dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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