New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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