he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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