Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
