Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
