Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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