I faked an abortion last night.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I think we might need a safe word for this...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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