At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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