YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
