we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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