I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
