there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
