Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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