In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I didn't notice because vodka
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
