There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
