She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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