The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
