Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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