two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I will be naked everywhere
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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