Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
