Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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