this beer tastes like vomit already
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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