if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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