A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
