If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
