Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
