checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
