Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
