I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
