Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
