I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
