I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
