I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
