apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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