yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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