Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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