He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
