i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
