Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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