youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
