I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
