There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
send nudes
from the living room?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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