someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
