Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
