I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
smell my finger.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
