ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
