If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
