Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
