Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
