I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
