He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
