Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
