So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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